Focusing on the Positive

I arrived home one day from a 4-day conference on the other side of the country.  I walked into the house and exclaimed, “It smells terrible in here!  The trash desperately needs to be taken out.”

Now, in my defense, what I said was true.  But there were many other things that were just as true and far more important.  For example, my 16-year-old son had kept the dishes washed and put away the entire time I was gone.  My, let me repeat this, SIXTEEN-year-old son was waiting in the family room to welcome his mother home.  But somehow, I managed to miss the most important things and focused instead on something that was insignificant, no matter how annoying.  (Did I mention that the conference I was returning from was Positive Discipline?)

It was a very real-life example of a tool that many of us ignore.  Building on strengths, not weaknesses.

So often in life, and especially in parenting, we focus on the negative 10% instead of the positive 90%.  If we review our experience with our children honestly, we will realize how much the positive interactions and behaviors outweigh the negative.  When we spend all of our attention on the behaviors that we want to change rather than the behaviors that we want to encourage, the negative expands and the positive shrinks.  In other words, we get what we expect.

So what did I do, fresh from my Positive Discipline conference and making a big parenting mistake?  I did exactly what I needed to do.  I repaired the situation as best I could.  I apologized to my son and pointed out my specific mistake.  I told him how much I appreciated the hard work he had done on keeping the kitchen clean for me – something he knows matters enormously to me.  I also told him that I had missed him and was so glad to walk in and see him there.

What did my son do?  He accepted my apology with a lopsided smile, a slight head shake, and his usual expression of “someday you’ll get it, Mom.”  A wonderful slice of the 90% that I am determined to focus my attention on.

Positive Discipline tools (www.positivediscipline.com) are from the book Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen, Ed.D.  (http://janenelsen.com/) .

Parenting Goals

Our oldest child, Jessie, graduated from college recently.  I sat watching her enjoy her incredible achievements with her friends.  All those beautiful, young people filled with hope and joy.  As I listened to intelligent, thoughtful speeches, my mind kept returning to a conversation between a couple of three-year-olds I know.

The three-year-olds had met once before, briefly.  One of the boys remembered the earlier meeting and said to the other, “Hey, I remember you.  Do you remember me?”

The second boy looked at him and shook his head, then walked away.  The first boy stood quietly for a moment, then said to himself, “That’s okay, I remember me.”

That simple statement is key to a concept of respectful parenting.  We’re not given children to “fix” or change them.  We get our opportunity to influence, support, and teach them.  One of the greatest gifts we can give them is to help them learn who they are – their strengths, their weaknesses, and their dreams.  In the midst of the craziness and scary realities of this life, we hope that they will remember themselves for who they really are.

One way to focus on this is to create a list of goals for our parenting.  Stop for a moment.  Close your eyes and imagine your child returning to visit you when he or she is thirty years old.  What life skills and characteristics do you hope to see in this adult?  Make a list.  My list includes such things as:  self-confidence, resilience, a sense of humor, and the ability to sustain loving and kind relationships.  Your list may include some of the same things, but each list will be unique.

This list is your list of parenting goals.  So often it is tempting to think that our list of parenting goals includes such things as: not biting, minding us, or doing homework.  These are definitely part of what we work on in parenting, but they are not the true goals.  Our true goals for our children are much larger and more important.  My bet is that when you made the list of what you hope to see in your grown child, you did not include “compliant” or “excellent standardized test scores.”

Remembering the deeper, larger goals of parenting will change the way we parent in the smaller, immediate moments of life.  We have a beautiful opportunity to support our children in learning the life skills and developing the characteristics that will give them the life they choose to live.

Whether it’s a 3-year-old or a college graduate, we want our children to be able to look the world in the eye and say, “That’s okay, I remember me.”

Limited Choices

Today I want to talk about limited choices.

This is a great tool that I’ve always loved.  But I recently got a wonderful new view of limited choices from, of all people, my teenaged son.  Our extended family was enjoying an evening at the botanical gardens.  At the end of a very long day, my three-year-old nephew was becoming understandably tired.  Twice I watched my 16-year-old son step in and help his cousin.  Both times, he gave two simple choices, “Would you like to get back in your stroller/carseat by yourself or would you like my help?”  Both times his younger cousin declined to get in by himself.  Each time, my son gently and kindly said, “It looks like you need my help,” picked the little one up, and sweetly put him in the stroller or the carseat.

Dylan demonstrated the most important elements of limited choices with a young child.  First – simple and VERY limited choices.  For a very young child, two choices are plenty to process and more than two becomes overwhelming.  Second – no investment by the adult in either of the choices.  Dylan was truly okay with whichever one his cousin chose.  Each time, even though Eli chose not to do what needed to be done, Dylan did not engage him emotionally with pleading or irritation.  Finally – kindness and firmness in equal measure.  Dylan simply picked the tired child up and gently helped him into his seat.  Although tired and not happy at the prospect of leaving, both times Eli allowed Dylan to help him.

Limited choices are a beautiful tool when done well.

If you’d like to contact me, you can email me at molly.henry@abintra.org

The Right Tool for The Job

The sink in my kitchen began to leak yesterday.  Drip, drip, drip.  I went running for the toolbox and rummaged around looking for pliers so that I could replace the washer.  I picked up and discarded a hammer, a wrench, and an electric drill.  Although perfectly good tools, they weren’t right for the job.  You might be wondering what this has to do with parenting.  Far more than you might think.

Parenting is largely about having a well-stocked toolbox and being able to retrieve the best tool for a presenting situation.  Theories are important and certainly the basis of any parenting skill set.  But in those difficult moments, what we really need are tools.  Tools that work.

Positive Discipline is based on a wonderful theory.  It’s about respect and communication.  Built on Adlerian psychology, it holds that we are all looking for belonging and significance.  We’re also making decisions moment-to-moment about ourselves, others, and the world at large.  We experience, we feel, we think, and we decide.

Positive Discipline is also about tools.  What concrete and useful skills and techniques can we put to use when our children are arguing or neglecting chores?  It’s about mindfulness and practice.  It takes being truly mindful of our children’s needs and our own abilities to know when to redirect and when to use humor.  We also educate ourselves on developmental appropriateness – “ages and stages.”  Distracting a 3-year-old from arguing over a toy makes perfect sense.  I challenge any of you to distract a 17-year-old from borrowing the car.

I look forward to this opportunity to write in more depth about the theory behind Positive Discipline parenting, the tools that you can bring to your parenting experience, and some personal experiences as a “Positive Discipline” parent.  It’s a journey that we take together in this lifetime – no one does this work alone.  And remember, no one gets to be perfect.  I look forward to celebrating success and mistakes together.

In fact, Making Mistakes is the first Positive Discipline tool I offer you.  Let’s commit right now to recognizing, honoring, and learning from our mistakes.  Making a mistake is one of the most powerful learning experiences we receive.  Our society doesn’t honor mistakes nearly enough.  If we’re too concerned with being perfect, we miss many of the most important lessons life has to offer.  Let’s start celebrating these opportunities.